Hermione's Confession
by marjojo
Summary: Mum and Dad, I haven't told you something--something big--and I can't go on anymore without you knowing it...I don't even know where to start!...The begininng?...You need to know all this because I'm going back to school tomorrow--and I'm afraid I won't c


Disclaimer: I own nothing! Nothing!  
  
A/N: This is a monologue in Hermione's voice, set on the last day of the summer holidays after fourth year.  
  
  
  
Mum and Dad, are you busy? I need to tell you something...No, I did not shrink or enlarge another body part. I told you I was sorry about my teeth. It's more serious than that. I haven't told you something-- something big--and I can't go on anymore without you knowing it. I've been trying to figure out how to tell you all holiday and I've concluded that there simply is no good way to do it. So I'm just going to start talking and I'll try to explain things as I go--there are so many unimportant but vital details--it's such a long story and there's so much that you don't know. There's a whole lot that I don't know. I'm sorry now that I didn't tell you from the beginning--but I knew you'd worry much more than I'd like you to, and it was after the fact--it is now too, but it's also before--oh, it's all such a mess! But you see, I'd thought that you would never need to know--I mean, I'd hoped--I mean, I'd deluded myself into believing that it would never get this bad.  
  
Well--oh, I don't even know where to start!...The beginning? But the end is what I'm really worried about, that's the hard part, for me the beginning is old news--but I suppose it's all new for you and it would be just too confusing to hear the end without the beginning.  
  
All right. The beginning. For me, it began with Harry. You met my friend Harry, right?...No, he's the dark-haired boy with glasses. Ron's the redhead. Well, um, in Diagon Alley, you met Ron's mum and dad, and you met Harry, and you asked me where his parents were, and I told you he didn't have any. And that's all you asked. See, it's not that I told any real outright lies, I just never told you the entire truth. And the truth is-- about 15 years ago there was a terrible dark wizard, and he was gaining power and starting to take over everything. He was--is--so terrible that everyone's afraid to say his name, they just say He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named or You-Know-Who. Well, Harry'll say his name, he's earned the right if anyone has, and Dumbledore says it, too.  
  
Anyway, You-Know-Who killed Harry's parents...I know, it is awful...just a baby...no, I don't know why, really...no, his parents were wizards...no, I told you he was raised by Muggles. His aunt and uncle took him, and they're just horrible people, Dad. Really.  
  
But, Mum, did you notice Harry's scar?...Yes, on his forehead. Well, after You-Know-Who killed Harry's parents, he tried to kill Harry. But it didn't work, and You-Know-Who lost all his power and Harry got that scar...With a curse, Avada Kedavra...Because his mother gave her life for his.  
  
Everyone in the wizarding world knows Harry's story, because he brought about the downfall of You-Know-Who. It's such common knowledge that now I just feel silly for not telling you. But there were a lot of reasons--I somehow thought that telling you would make me into one of those people that Harry hates for staring at his scar--it was his past and his secret to tell--at first I didn't tell because it took me a such long time to feel secure enough in Ron and Harry's friendship to mention them to you at all-- and later, I almost forgot that you didn't know--but most of all I think it was because I didn't want you to know about wizards like You-Know-Who. I wanted you to think of the wizarding world as a pretty, whimsical place, where all the magic is good and everyone is always happy. I wanted it to be like that myself. If my illusions had to be shattered, I at least wanted you to keep yours intact--because, somehow, it made the darkness easier to handle, if I had a charade to play every time I wrote you a letter. Your parents teach you how to see the world--I guess I thought that if you saw only the good in the wizarding world, then somehow, by default almost, I would learn how to see that, too.  
  
In our first year, we had a mystery to solve. And at first, that's all I thought it was. I didn't tell you about it because of all the rules we broke, and because I didn't take it as seriously as I should have from the very beginning. Well, I took Fluffy, the three-headed dog, seriously, but, until we had it all figured out, I didn't have a clue how serious it all really was. I didn't know then that you should always assume the worst in the wizarding world; I was naïve. At first, I just thought of the mystery as only another test to prove to everyone, especially Ron and Harry, but maybe myself as well, that I belonged in the wizarding world. That was why I threw myself into my studies from the first--I wanted to do so well that no one would dare suggest that I should leave Hogwarts. And then it just became a part of who I am.  
  
But when we found out what the trapdoor was hiding and who was after it, everything changed. It was not just a test, it was--life and death. Because it was You-Know-Who, and he was so close to reaching the one thing that could bring him back to power and make him immortal.  
  
By the time we figured it out, everything happened so quickly--honestly, writing you was the last thing on my mind. And then it was over quickly. It just seemed like so much to explain; I'd have to start at the beginning, with Harry's parents, and tell you every clue and suspicion we had on the way to our conclusion. And I was afraid you wouldn't let me go back to Hogwarts if you knew how dangerous it could be and how terrible some wizards are. I mean, look how much you worry about my teeth! And they're just teeth!  
  
But my main defense against my conscience was that it was over. It just couldn't happen again. Harry'd won. You-Know-Who was a defeated, miserable spirit, out there somewhere just wishing for revenge--but that's all he could do, wish. So I told myself that it was pointless to bother telling you because you'd only worry needlessly, or, worse, put me back in public school, and that it didn't matter anyway because it was over--but I was wrong. It's not.  
  
After each year, and with every letter I sent, I considered telling you the truth, but the fact that I hadn't from the first just made it too hard. I knew how disappointed you'd be in me--how disappointed you are. I really am sorry.  
  
In second year, I found out about a deep-seated prejudice in the wizarding world against Muggle-borns. I'd heard rumors of it earlier, but I didn't really feel it myself, full force, until second year.....Yes, I know Mr. Weasley was nice to you. Of course he was. He's a nice person, and, besides, he has a fascination with all things Muggle. There are lots of wizards who aren't so nice, and they really look down on all Muggles, and they think that wizards from Muggle families--aren't as good as they are. They call us Mudbloods--dirty blood, you see? But, really, only very old- fashioned or snobby or--well, evil wizards care about it at all anymore; it doesn't matter to any of my friends. Malfoy is the only one who's ever called me a Mudblood, and he's just--a horrid little--well, he's a Slytherin and his father is a Death Eater--a follower of You-Know-Who. And he's the one who cursed my teeth and made them grow. He's not worth listening to. I didn't tell you about all this because I didn't want you to think that you've somehow hurt me just by being who you are, or that I'm ashamed of you. Because I'm not.  
  
And then this year. Oh, let's see. I told you about Harry being in the Triwizard Tournament, and his fight with Ron, and the house-elves, and the first task, with the dragons, and the Yule Ball, and Rita Skeeter, and the second task, with the merpeople--you know those whole stories, more or less. I haven't kept everything from you, just the scary stuff. I only told you half of what happened at the Quidditch World Cup, and you don't know a thing about the third task.  
  
The World Cup was not all fun. The night after the game there were a bunch of Death Eaters, and they had a whole family of Muggles, and they were cursing them, and torturing them, and holding them up in the air like sick marionettes. It was horrible. I know it's crazy, but I almost felt like I was protecting you by not telling you, like your ignorance of those kind of crimes ensured that you could never be their victims. And it seemed like it was somehow less real because you didn't know. I didn't want it to be real.  
  
That was the first of a long series of little clues that we puzzled over for hours--and didn't figure out until long past too late.  
  
The third task of the tournament. The task itself was a maze, first to touch the Cup in the center wins. It's strange how unimportant the maze seems now, especially compared with how all-consuming it was the week before it. I mean, I'd almost forgotten what the task was. What happened afterward was--distracting, to say the least.  
  
Harry and Cedric Diggory, the other Hogwarts Champion, tied, and they took the Cup together. But when they touched it, they found out that it was a Portkey. That means that it took them somewhere else.  
  
And You-Know-Who was there.  
  
And he killed Cedric.  
  
And he used Harry's blood in some potion to give him a body that he could use--to help him return to power.  
  
And then he called the Death Eaters, and he tortured Harry, and they dueled- -I don't really totally understand how Harry got away, but I don't want to ask him about it--it hurts him too bad.  
  
And when Harry was back at Hogwarts, and Dumbledore figured out everything that had happened, the Minister of Magic, Cornelius Fudge--he simply would not believe it! He refused to believe that You-Know-Who was back! The Minister of Magic...he's like the Prime Minister; he's the leader of the wizarding world in Britain. And he's nothing but a cowardly politician; he cares more about losing support for his Ministry than about losing innocent lives to You-Know-Who. He's choosing to ignore what happened; he's not going to act to fight You-Know-Who because he's too scared to even admit that he's back.  
  
Maybe he's why I'm telling you all this--because telling people the truth helps you to face it yourself, and that somehow gives you the strength to fight it. At least I hope so.  
  
And because it's just too big to deny anymore.  
  
You need to know all this because I'm going back to school tomorrow--and I'm scared I won't come back. I know it sounds melodramatic and irrational and paranoid, but the thought has crossed my mind more than once, how could it not? I'm a friend of Harry Potter's, and I'm Muggle-born. That's two strikes against me. Cedric didn't have any. He was just there....No, Mum, I'm all right.  
  
It almost makes me wish I was--normal. Almost. But I realize that not to know anything about all that has happened--to be totally ignorant of an entire world right under your nose--that's worse.  
  
And besides, it wouldn't help at all to stay here, don't you see--You-Know- Who will try to destroy the Muggle world as well as the wizarding world. Maybe he'll even go for you first. There is no safe place anymore, don't you understand?  
  
But Hogwarts is--as safe as it can be. Dumbledore's there--they say that, even at the height of his power before, You-Know-Who was afraid of Dumbledore.  
  
And there's Harry--he does seem to attract trouble, but he gets us out of it as well. His luck hasn't run out yet. And his luck is quickly turning into pure skill. But what he doesn't have in luck or skill, he makes up for in sheer willpower and courage. That's what made him survive the third task. And by courage I don't mean that he's reckless--well, usually--or that he's too foolish to take danger seriously. I mean that he gets scared, but then he decides that something else is more important than fear, and he acts. That is bravery.  
  
And Ron, of course--he's very--protective of me. Every time Malfoy calls me a Mudblood, Ron either tries to curse him or bloody his nose. Sometimes it gets him angrier than when it's his own family being insulted. And Ron keeps Harry--and me--from taking ourselves too seriously. And he's so-- loyal. We fight constantly, but it's actually almost--fun. Except when he's just being an idiot; he does that quite well, too. But Ron's no coward, either--What's that smile for, Mum?  
  
I'm telling you, between Ron, Harry and Dumbledore, I feel about as safe at Hogwarts as I could anywhere, anymore.  
  
But I can tell by your faces that you're still not convinced.  
  
...  
  
Mum and Dad, the main reason it's taken me the whole holiday to work up the nerve to tell you all this is that I was afraid you wouldn't let me go back to Hogwarts because of it.  
  
...  
  
So should I not have told you at all? Would you rather be just like all the other Muggles? Or, worse, like Fudge and all the other wizards who're just ignoring what's happened? Don't you want to know what's really happening to your own daughter, to the world she lives in, to the world you and all of humanity shares with her?  
  
...  
  
Don't you see, I don't care if it's safe, I have to go back! It's the only way I can know what's happening, and I have to know because it concerns my friends. And me. And it's the only way I can do anything about it--I can't stand to sit idle knowing what's happened.  
  
You see, Ron and Harry have taught me what real friendship is--it doesn't just end when things get rough--it's the only thing that gets you through it. I will not turn my back on my friends, least of all now. Harry's been through so much already--I will not be the one to add betrayal and abandonment to the list. They need me--at least, I feel like they do--I think they do--and I know I need them.  
  
And, more than that, Mum and Dad, it's where I belong. You know it as well as I do: I don't fit into your world anymore--maybe I never did. It hurts me almost as much as it hurts you, and I'm sorry for it, but you know it's true.  
  
It's who I am.  
  
I'm only fifteen, but I know one absolute truth about my identity--I am a witch. Whatever else I end up becoming, that will have to be part of it.  
  
I can't help it, and I don't always like it, but I can't deny it, and it's wrong for you to even consider asking me to.  
  
I'm going back to Hogwarts, Mum and Dad.  
  
...  
  
Thanks for understanding....Yes, of course I'll write home more this year. I've got to keep you updated, right?  
  
...  
  
I love you, too.  
  
  
  
A/N: I wasn't completely sure it would be totally in character for Hermione to lie to her parents like this, but the explanation I came up with felt plausible to me. And even if she had told them everything that had happened up to that point, it still would be really hard to tell them what happened after the third task. So even if she didn't lie, the core of what she says here is still true. And I tried to write it without the big lie, but I didn't like it as much, it wasn't as dramatic or deeply felt; it lacked a history. If all the summary of past events bothered you, then I'm sorry; personally, I enjoyed writing it.  
  
Thanks for reading, please review!! 


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